From uhog.mit.edu!news.kei.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.westnet.com!port10.ts1.westnet.com!user Thu, 21 Dec 1995 21:52:44 -0500 Path: uhog.mit.edu!news.kei.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.westnet.com!port10.ts1.westnet.com!user From: wjakab@westnet.com (William Jakab) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: 12 days of hell...(Poor Rita) Date: Thu, 21 Dec 1995 21:52:44 -0500 Organization: Lighting Design Lines: 241 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: port10.ts1.westnet.com December 14, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL Dearest Ken, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Rita =============================== December 15, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL Dearest Ken, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine ‹ two turtle doves! I am delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Rita =============================== December 16, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL Dear Ken, Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity ‹ three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist ‹ you've been too kind. Love, Rita =============================== December 17, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL Dear Ken, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Rita =============================== December 18, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Rita =============================== December 19, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL Dear Ken, When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP. Cordially, Rita =============================== December 20, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL Ken, What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of gad damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so top with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Rita =============================== December 21, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL OK, Buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their god damn cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. Rita =============================== December 22, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL Hey, shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Rita =============================== December 23, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL You rotten prick, Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you. One who means it, Rita =============================== December 24, 1995 Rita Hawley Hawaiian Inn 2522 N. Dale Mabry Tampa, FL Listen, Fuckhead, What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Rita =============================== Law Offices Black, Cobb, Cole Crotty & Sigreen First Federal Building 501 North Grandview Avenue Daytona Beach, FL 32015 December 25, 1995 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Rita Hawley. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Hawley at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Black, Cobb, Cole Crotty & Sigreen