Subject: 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask.
Date: Mon, 7 Aug 95 19:30:03 EDT

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The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

The five questions are:
1 -  "What are you thinking?"
2 -  "Do you love me?"
3 -  "Do I look fat?"
4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 
5 -  "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to  explode
into  a  major  argument  and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly,
which is to say dishonestly.  For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,  of  course,
is,  "I'm  sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and
what  a  lucky  guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no
resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which
was most likely one of five things:

 a -  Baseball
 b -  Football
 c -  How fat you are.
 d -  How much prettier she is than you.
 e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question  came
from  Al  Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to  this  question  is,  "Yes."  For
those  guys  who  feel  the  need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,
dear."  Wrong answers include:

 a -  I suppose so.
 b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes. 
 c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
 d -  Does it matter?
 e -  Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The  correct  male  response  to  this  question  is  to
confidently  and  emphatically  state,  "No,  of course not" and then quickly
leave the room.  Wrong answers include:

 a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. 
 b -  Compared to what?
 c -  A little extra weight looks good on you. 
 d -  I've seen fatter.
 e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your 
      insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be
an  ex-girlfriend,  a  passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost
cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.  In any case,
the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

 a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
 b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things. 
 c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
 d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
 e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your 
      insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer:   "Dearest  love,  in  the
event  of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I
would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's  Pizza
truck  that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as
is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

 "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
 "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why 
  do you ask such a question?"
 "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife. "No, 
  of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't 
  you like being married?" said the wife. "Of 
  course I do, dear" he said.
 "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
 "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
 "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. 
 "Yes" said the husband.
 "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long 
  pause.
 "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
 "I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my 
  old clothes?"
 "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
 "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the 
  pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
 "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
 "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose 
  you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
 "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She is left-handed."

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Selected by Jim Griffith.  MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net.