State of Union Address Clinton Should Have Given
               efkhoo@cityu.edu.hk (Lawrence Khoo)
                   City University of Hong Kong
              (topical, chuckle, sexual, forwarded)

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN

 Members of Congress ... people of America ... I banged her. I banged
 her  like  a  cheap  gong.  Which is not news, folks, because if you
 think  Monica  Lewinsky  was  the  only  skin  flute  player  in  my
 orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C.
 I HAVEN'T tried to do  are  the  First  Lady,  Reno,  Albright,  and
 Shalala,  mostly because they're a little older than I like and they
 have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.  Which
 isn't  to  say I don't appreciate Hillary ...  I do.  If not for the
 ice- water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into  farm
 equipment  in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
 So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged  the  draft,  hid  FBI
 files,  smoked  dope,  flipped  Whitewater  property,  set  up a new
 Chinese wing in the White House, fired the travel staff,  paid  hush
 money  to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6,
 and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.  Got it?  Good.

 Six years ago, there was not a man, woman, or child who didn't  know
 I  was  as  horny as Woody Allen.  But, you elected me anyway, which
 turned out to be a good move on your part.  Your  other  choice  was
 Bush,  an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place
 called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his  way  into  the
 White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the
 same Alzheimer's he came in with, and  left  the  country  with  the
 biggest  deficit ever.  Then there was Carter before him who brought
 you a a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the  whole  time  like  his
 lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never
 really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and got a
 one-way  ticket  to  San  Clemente  for  his  crackerjack  style  of
 governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
 contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy,
 who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for
 America  to  spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver- wrestling"
 shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

 Which brings me back to my point.  Since I have been  strumming  the
 banjo  here  at  the White House, government is doing more for less.
 The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did  a  one  gun
 salute  to  Marilyn,  a  fact  the  press didn't seem to care about,
 evidently.  Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job
 as a night-watchman.  The stock market is higher than a D-student on
 a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a  degree  from  a  junior
 college  who  can  spell  'internet'  has enough money to ponder the
 annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of  where  his  or  her
 next  meal is coming from.  Bottom line:  I'm running a country here
 and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your
 support, not a date with your daughter ...  unless, of course, she's
 a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.   In  the
 meantime,  think  about  where  you  are today and what kind of life
 you're living, before you get too interested in  where  I'm  parking
 the Presidential limousine."

           [Note - making the rounds unattributed - ed.]
                 from rec.humor.funny 1998/3/20