Third Reich Dance Band Rules and Regulations

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2001 10:59:15 -0500
From: Underhill-Hval <underhval@hvi.net>
Subject: Third Reich Dance Band Rules and Regulations

[Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it, ad infinitum, ad nauseam, etc. This is an actual historical document according to my sources. Wish it were a joke!]

  1. In the repertoire of light orchestras and dance bands, pieces in fox-trot rhythm (so-called "swing") are not to exceed 20%
  2. In the repertoire of this so-called jazz type, preference is to be given to compositions in a major key and to lyrics expressing joy in life ("Kraft durch Freude") rather than Jewishly gloomy lyrics
  3. As to the tempo, too, preference is to be given to brisk compositions as opposed to slow ones (so-called "blues") however, the pace must not exceed a certain degree of allegro comensurate with the Aryan sense for discipline and moderation. On no account will negroid excesses in tempo (so-called "hot jazz") be permitted, or in solo performances (so-called "breaks")
  4. So-called jazz compositions may contain at the most 10% syncopation; the remainder must form a natural legato movement void of hysterical rhythmic references characteristic of the music of the barbarian races and conducive to dark instincts alien to the German people (so-called "riffs")
  5. Strictly forbidden is the use of instruments alien to the German spirit (e.g so-called cowbells, flex-a-tone, brushes, etc) as well as all mutes which turn the noble sound of brass-wind instruments into a Jewish-Freemasonic yell (so-called wa-wa, in hat, etc.)
  6. Prohibited are so-called drum breaks longer than half a bar in four quarter beat (except in stylized military marches)
  7. The double bass must be played solely with the bow in so-called jazz compositions; plucking of strings is prohibited, since it is damaging to the instrument and detrimental to Aryan musicality. If a so-called pizzicato effect is absolutely desirable for the character of the composition, let strict care be taken lest the string is allowed to patter on the sordine, which is henceforth forbidden.
  8. Provocative rising to one's feet during solo performance is forbidden
  9. Musicians are likewise forbidden to make vocal improvisations (so-called "scat")
  10. All lightth orchestras and dance bands are advised to restrict the use of saxophones of all keys and to substitute for them violin-celli, violas, or possibly a suitable folk instrument. 

Signed,
Baldur von Boldheim,
Reichsmusicführer und Oberscharführer SS