From jmc0@ns.gte.com From: dbl@ics.com (David B. Lewis)
Subject: New Microsoft Biological Weapons Division to Acquire ICS Refrigerator (original)
Date: Sat, 12 Aug 95 19:30:02 EDT

I sent this around after the communal kitchen got too grody:


New Microsoft Biological Weapons Division to Acquire ICS Refrigerator

		-- David B. Lewis, Computer Defense News

Redmond, WA (AP) -- In a surprising announcement  today,  Microsoft,  the  PC
software  giant,  revealed  that it is forming a biological weapons division.
The division will begin its operations by acquiring the  office  refrigerator
of Integrated Computer Solutions, a small Cambridge, MA, software firm.

Microsoft  has  often entered new markets by acquiring the technology of much
smaller rivals.  Casper Weinberger, named head of  the  operation,  explained
that  Microsoft's own programmers don't generate the sorts of leftovers which
make good weapons.  "We just couldn't duplicate  the  potent  combination  of
mildewed  spaghetti,  stale  pizza, and moldering take-out Chinese and Indian
food that we find here." Mr.  Weinberger promised that the new division would
be able to analyze the ICS property and culture it successfully.

Critics, reacting to the announcement, doubted that Microsoft could produce a
biological weapon on the proposed  schedule.   Microsoft  has  a  history  of
delaying the introduction of new products; its flagship Windows 95 product is
several months late.

"Many people have viewed Windows software as a virus anyway," Mr.  Weinberger
said,  "so moving into biological technology isn't that much of a stretch for
Microsoft.  We can do it on schedule." He dismissed the notion, however, that
Microsoft has been known for producing buggy code.

The  new  division  has  tentatively  been named "Micro-Organism"; it will be
headquartered in Reston, VA, home of the US Army Bio-Hazards Laboratory.

Microsoft stock closed up 1 1/8 on the news.

--
Selected by Jim Griffith.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clari.net.