Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: dave@angmar.llnl.gov (Dave Fuess)
Subject: Red, Raw Meat!
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 94 19:30:04 EST

Jim, Jodi, and Sharon are real people, their last names have been withheld.

> Date: 5/27/94 10:02 AM
> To: Jim
> From: Jodi
> If you plan to attend Sharon's luncheon, please  let  me  know  your
> selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person).  The choices are:
> 
> -- Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with 
>    rice pilaf
> -- Popcorm Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked potato
> -- Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast served
>    with rice pilaf
> -- Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegatables all in a
>    light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with
>    fresh brocolli
> Thanks!  Jodi

Dear Jodi,

Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what to
order, and I have a question.

What about us carnivores?  I want meat.  Red raw meat.  I want them to
lead it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite  into  it.   I
don't  want  anybody  I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken
Fresco".  In fact I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to see
me doing so. I want a dignified American meal of steak and potatoes by
God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want Hungarian red wine,
with  a  picture of a cow on the label.  I want to think about Eastern
Europeans making this wine for slave wages and making it badly. I want
the  whole  bottle.   I  want  several.   I  want it served on a white
tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so soiled when we're  done
that it can't even be used for rags. I want a meal to remember, in the
midst of bawdy company.  I want someone to tell off-color jokes and  I
want  us all to laugh till we cry.  I want some of us to discover that
the person we've mumbled at as we've passed in the halls these last  5
years  is  a sexual rogue.  I want several people to fail to return to
work afterward.  I want to see a disciplinary memo sent down from  the
director's  office  in the wake of all this.  I want the restaurant to
refuse to serve anyone from the Lab for the next two years.  I want to
generate gossip.  I want media coverage.  I want arrests.  I want some
careers to be launched and others destroyed.  I want this luncheon  to
divide   time   into  a  before  and  an  after.   Despite  her  acute
embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon to change her mind and stay.

That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I can't
have it.  So I'll get back to you with my food order.