From mit-eddie!sppip7.lkg.dec.com!jc Sat Feb 15 00:48:48 1992 Return-Path: Received: by minya.uucp (/\=-/\ Smail3.1.18.1 #18.16) id ; Sat, 15 Feb 92 00:48 EST Received: from CRL.DEC.COM by EDDIE.MIT.EDU with SMTP (5.65/25-eef) id AA22403; Fri, 14 Feb 92 17:09:29 -0500 Received: by crl.dec.com; id AA10799; Fri, 14 Feb 92 17:09:23 -0500 Received: by sppip7.lkg.dec.com (5.57/ULTRIX-fma-071891); id AA28953; Fri, 14 Feb 92 17:11:34 -0500 Date: Fri, 14 Feb 92 17:11:34 -0500 From: mit-eddie!sppip7.lkg.dec.com!jc (John Chambers) Message-Id: <9202142211.AA28953@sppip7.lkg.dec.com> To: jchome@sppip7.lkg.dec.com Cc: Subject: rec.humor #75386 - The Blond Joke List Again In article <9807@mindlink.bc.ca>, Steve_Hooper@mindlink.bc.ca (Steve Hooper) writes: Path: nntpd.lkg.dec.com!ryn.mro4.dec.com!muhthr.dec.com!news!news.crl.dec.com!deccrl!caen!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!uunet!van-bc!rsoft!mindlink!a777 From: Steve_Hooper@mindlink.bc.ca (Steve Hooper) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: The Blond Joke List Again Message-ID: <9807@mindlink.bc.ca> Date: Mon, 3 Feb 92 19:10:37 GMT-)1:44 Organization: MIND LINK! - British Columbia, Canada Lines: 392 02/03/92 The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes -------------------------------- As Compiled By Steve Hooper a777@mindlink.bc.ca With Thanks To: The BJ Goddess Ryan Jorgenson Sharon Bader Paul Tomblin Mr. Resistor Siddhartha Tarus Simon Rory J Chuck and LP and, of course, my good friend Anonymous =================================================================== Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get f*cked up when they're on their back. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!" Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (Regional joke -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits (teats for all the purists) go in first. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" (Ed. Note: Are the previous two jokes regional or something? Readers here in Canada dont get them!) Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A: (Action of scissoring legs apart) Q: What does a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have a black box. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because you wash vegetables there! Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair? A: Artificial Intelligence. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: Why are blondes like computers? A: You don't appreciate them until they go down on you. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF written on their socks? A: Toes go in first Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde. Why? There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. ----------- A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" ----------- A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!" ----------- Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian? A: Because she loved children. Q: Why can't a blonde use a vibrator? A: Because she'll chip her teeth. Q: How does a blond eat a banana? A: (Peel carefully and mimic in/out motions in the mouth.) Q: How do you know a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: There are M&M shells all over the floor. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits go in front. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: Five, one to make the batter and four to peel the smarties. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons? A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first? A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it. Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: How is a screen door and a blonde the same? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum) Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: What's the difference between a blond and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q: What does a blond say after she has had sex? A: Are you guys all from the same team? Q: What's the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: What's the difference between a blond and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q: What does a blond say after she has had sex? A: Are you guys all from the same team? Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: What's the difference between a blond and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door. Q: What do you get when you tell a blonde "A penny for your thoughts?" A: Change. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: What do blondes work as in M&M's factories? A: Proofreaders Q: What goes VRROOOOM!! --EEEERRGH!! VRROOOOM!! --EEEERRGH!! VRROOOOM!! --EEEERRGH!!....... A: A blonde at a flashing red light Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: Nobody eats bowling balls. Q: What did the blond call her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee' Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb! Send me your jokes TODAY! - Steve... -- steve_hooper@mindlink.bc.ca [] Riding the "High Iron" of OR a777@mindlink.bc.ca [] CP Rail The Great White North in [] Vancouver, BC CANADA [] Opinions are mine, NOT CP's -- Zippy-Says: If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.